WONDER is the Best Thing that Could Happen to the Anti-Bullying Conversation– and it’s Not for the Reasons People are Noticing!

I gave up reading when I had kids. No, not all reading. I read quite a bit to prepare for my classes, I read newspapers when I find some time, and I read every article on Bullying. (Ok, not every article–because many of them frustrate me beyond belief–but definitely everything written or recommended by Izzy Kalman.) I guess what I gave up reading was novels. I’m just one of those people who get totally involved in any novel I read. So involved that I could easily forget to put down the book in order to feed my kids, put them to bed, or go to bed myself so that I could be a nice person the next day….

A few very highly recommended books did make it to my nightstand over the 19+ years that I’ve been a mom, but it was usually during the summertime when I didn’t have to go to work the next day. (One of the many perks of being a teacher.)

So…. when my daughter read Wonder (by, R.J. Palacio) in school and told me that I HAD to read it “you’ll love it Mommy, it’s about bullying” I told her that I’d get to it over the summer. I also assumed that it was just another book showing how bad people feel when they’re bullied and wasn’t super motivated to read it because constantly emphasizing how mean bullies are doesn’t lead to kids who act mean suddenly acting nice or kids who are victims learning how to stop being victims. But as I heard more about it, and her classmates’ mothers recommended it as highly as she did, I warned her that she’d have to play Mom for that day and picked up the book. (No, I did not go to sleep until I finished reading it.) Soon after, I read Wonder’s companion book Auggie and Me which truly brought out many of the brilliant points that were alluded to in the first book.

If you haven’t read Wonder and Auggie and Me (and you should) here’s a brief synopsis:
Auggie is a 5th grader with a facial deformity who goes to school for the first time. Wonder is told from his perspective, as well as from the perspective of his sister and their friends. Auggie and Me tells the same story from the perspective of another 3 friends. All of the characters are so real, representing different types of kids who all play a role in bullying dynamics.

Auggie is used to people staring at him and being scared off by his unusual appearance. Starting school was a different story. He had to deal with kids not only staring, but whispering behind his back, creating a game in which anyone who would touch Auggie would get “the plague” unless they immediately washed their hands, and doing other very mean things. Auggie has a very loving and supportive family and a couple of very good friends (one isn’t even in his class) and because of his support system he pushes through and comes out a hero.

Lesson #1- a loving and supportive family as well as a couple of good friends can help anyone get through bullying or anything else at all without feeling like a hopeless victim.

Julian is the bully in the books. He is mean to Auggie directly, mean behind his back, and is the ringleader for everything that the other kids do to him. I personally believe that hardly any kids are truly mean to the core. I’ve certainly never met one. If a kid is mean, it’s because they have a very empty bucket/ they feel bad about themselves for some reason (usually not apparent) and therefore feel the need to make others feel bad about themselves as well. There is, of course, NO excuse for treating others badly. However, when kids (and adults) realize that someone’s mean behavior is actually about what’s going on inside of THEM, it takes a lot of the hurt away and can help turn the hurt and anger into pity for the other person. While Wonder touches upon some reasons leading to Julian’s behavior, Julian’s story in Auggie and Me explores it in depth. Julian is afraid of Auggie’s appearance and turns his fear into treating Auggie badly. Julian’s parents reinforce his fears and bad behavior by photoshopping Auggie out of the class picture, trying to get the principal who points out the bullying fired, and constantly making excuses for their son’s behavior. (Spoiler alert: Julian turns a corner after a moving story and advice from his wise grandmother.)

Lesson #2- Bullying has more to do with what’s going on with the bully then it has to do with the person being bullied.

Lesson #3- Parents, if a teacher tells you that your kid is being mean–listen to them and get your kid the help they need. Listen to your kid as well, but don’t defend bad behavior, get your kid the help they need.

Jack is a kid I actually want to adopt. He’s super cute. As another welcome buddy, he was initially very afraid to interact with Auggie but his mother helped him see that the right thing to do was to be kind–and he was brave enough to truly be a friend. Jack stood up for Auggie on many occasions and lost ‘friends’ as a result. At one point, Jack couldn’t handle the pressure of always standing up for Auggie, and said some mean things about him in order to fit in—and Auggie overheard. Jack has a chance to apologize and more than makes it up to Auggie by sticking by him later on despite the social pressure. After Julian refers to Jack as a “freak,” Jack punches Julian in the face, leading to a two week suspension. The principal is wise enough to look more deeply into the situation (despite the fact the Julian’s parents are major funders of the school and Jack is on scholarship) and lets Jack know that he realizes that there are two sides to every story and that he guesses that he was just defending his friend.

Lesson #4- Be kind, and always stand up for your friends, although this is not always easy to do.

Lesson #5- Teachers and principals always need to look for the other side of a story, although this is not always easy to do.

Charlotte is the third welcome buddy, and she represents most kids–especially during the turbulent middle school years. Charlotte is super friendly to Auggie, and never mean, but is too insecure and self-conscious about her own social standing to actually be a friend.

Lesson #6- We have to understand that most kids (like most adults) have a very hard time standing up for someone being bullied. We should always expect them to be nice anyway, but forcing kids to stand up to bullies when they’re having a hard time just dealing with their own social pressures, just isn’t fair to kids. Being friendly, quietly telling the kid being bullied that the bully just has issues and they shouldn’t worry about it, and supporting others who are being nice are good goals.

Summer is a rare find. In 17 years of teaching I’ve only met 2 kids like Summer. Although she wasn’t asked to be Auggie’s welcome buddy and she’s not even in his class, when she notices him sitting alone at the lunch table she goes and sits with him. She doesn’t do it to get attention, she doesn’t do it to be a teachers pet, and she doesn’t tell others that they should join her. Summer simply befriends Auggie because she sees that he needs a friend. Perhaps because Summer doesn’t care what others think of her kindness, she never faces the social repercussions that Jack does or that Charlotte is so afraid of. The only hint as to to why Summer might be that way is that her father was killed while in the military and maybe –after surviving something like that–nothing else could possibly hurt as much, so why let it bother you?

Lesson #7- The world is a dark place, be the one to shine the light.

Bullying is a complex and complicated reality of life that no one ever wants to have to deal with. Kudos to R.J. Palacio for shedding light on this issue with a fresh perspective. If you read Wonder and Auggie and Me, I hope you’ll share the lessons that stand out to you and make you want to be a kinder person.